Nine more days!

Nine more days till I get to go hoooooome! I have the worst case of cabin fever.

I had my first palliative care patient last week (palliative care means that we're just relieving the symptoms, not treating the actual disease. It doesn't always mean that the diagnosis is fatal, but in my case, it was). I had a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that my patient was dying and all I could do was give her pain medication and hold her hand while she received plasma replacement therapy. I thought I would have been able to handle that type of situation better, but I guess nobody is ready to see anyone who's dying. I'm sad to say that it's going to get easier to handle these types of cases.

Last Wednesday I made an impromptu trip to go visit my BFFL in his college town (I couldn't stand to be in NewTown one second longer!). We had dinner together and watched the original Karate Kid. Then I went and visited my other friend at his apartment. We cooked kabsah, smoked too much hookah, and watched a movie. I didn't get home till 4 that morning, but it was so worth it! I really enjoyed getting out of town and being with similar company.

Unfortunately, my happiness was short-lived due to a very nasty cold that stuck around from last Thursday until today. I haven't been that sick in a loooong time! I didn't get a lot of homework done, which certainly put me behind. The worst part about being sick was that I had to miss clinical, my favorite day of the week! Thank goodness I'm feeling much better.

My parents are coming in on Saturday to visit for the weekend. I'm kind of excited to see them, but at the same time it's going to take away from my weekend study time. Then after that will be a weekend trip to Iowa with my friend, and after that will be a whole week off for Thanksgiving! I plan to be in the big city every night! I CAN'T WAIT!!

Wise words of the post:

"He who plants thorns must never expect to gather roses." I see this more as a "hold no grudges" type thing. I used to have the worst time letting go of grudges, and have gotten better at it the past few years. I feel that if someone plants thorns, all he will do is step on them and hurt himself. Nothing good comes out of hate and resent, it only hurts you in the end.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Time goes by...

...so freaking fast! I can't believe it's already the end of October. Where has this year gone??

I guess you could tell that I've been super busy with school. Things just keep piling up and it's starting to get really overwhelming. I feel like I'm hanging on to my sanity by my hookah hose. It's definitely been tough, but I'm so close to the end of this semester that I can't quit now!

New guy and I decided to just be friends. We're both super busy (me with school, him with baseball). I was actually really relieved to have that off my plate. I don't think I could handle much more of anything after these past couple of weeks.

I got to visit my best friend of all time a few weeks ago. I haven't seen him since March, so it was really nice to get together and catch up. I finally got to hang out with some Middle Eastern people. I felt right at home!

I went back to AnyTown last weekend for my fraternity initiation. I had soooo much fun reconnecting with all of my brothers and sisters. I came to the realization how alone I feel in NewTown and I did NOT want to leave Anytown! I cried almost the whole way home. I know I don't have much longer till I can move back to the big city, but Spring 2013 seems like an extremely long time right now.

I made some new friends this week, too. I went to my friend's hometown and met all of her crew and they really opened up to me, which was such a huge surprise. I have never felt so accepted since I moved to NewTown. I really hope I get to see them more often. It's really cool to see a group of friends that are as tight knit as my fraternity family is. Good to know there's still a lot of love to give out there =]

I've been feeling homesick lately (if you can't already tell). It's still really hard being here without all my old friends. I try my hardest to keep in contact with them, but sometimes texting just doesn't cut it. I need to get a job so I can go visit more often. I really thought I'd be able to walk away and cut everyone/everything off, but it hasn't been quite that easy.

Wise words of the post:

"He who plants thorns must never expect to gather roses." Don't ever think that getting on people's bad side will get you anywhere. Creating enemies will never do you any good. One might think that having enemies and doing everything you can to live better than them and make sure they know it is the way to go, but it'll only come back to bite you in the butt. There's wayyyy better things you could be using your energy on.

On another note, please please please be careful when partying this weekend. Know your limits, and if someone you know gets sick, DO NOT hesitate to get them some help. You don't want to be attending a funeral because you didn't want a friend to get mad at you for taking them to a hospital. I want all of you reading my next post!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Home, sweet home.

FINALLY I got to come home for a weekend! It feels so good to be back among civilization and culture and population! I came home Friday and just hung out with my mom. We went out to Cracker Barrel for dinner and watched TV for the rest of the night. Yesterday I woke up rather late, but I did get a little bit of work done. I got my hair cut and colored in Anytown. It looks so much better! Then I went to the big city to hang out with my friends. L and I went to a brand new hookah bar, then went to the regular joint. My ex popped up, which was kind of awkward at first, but I was so excited to be back in my niche that I forgot he was even there until he left.

L and I smoked hookah for awhile, then the owner played music and got me up to dance, so I danced my skinny butt off! I pulled some friends up with me, and we went for a solid 20 minutes! I was so sweaty and tired after that, but I had so much fun that I didn't really care. It felt so good to dance again! I didn't realize how much I missed it until last night. After a short break, the owner played again and I got to dance with some BEAUTIFUL Sudanese girls and these two really geeky white guys. I thought I was going to die of laughter when a broom handle we were using as a dance prop got handed off to one of the guys. I loved his enthusiasm!

One of my old high school friends showed up while I was on the floor. It was really good to see her for a bit. I got to see soooo many people that I haven't seen for weeks (in one case, several months!). I'm sad that I have to go back to Newtown tomorrow, but I'm working on coming home for Halloween weekend. I already miss everyone terribly, and I haven't even left yet.

Wise words of the post:

"Realize that the world is a school and you are here to learn." So learn, darnit! If something isn't working out for you, then stop doing it! If it isn't working out for someone else, then chances are it isn't going to work for you, either. I'm learning a lot about people that I never thought would be a part of their personality, and I'm also seeing people change because of their (sometimes very recent) past. Some awful and wonderful things have come out of their experiences, some people have risen above it, some don't realize they're about to hit rock bottom. Look around you! You and I have so many teachers and we don't even take advantage of it! So work hard, study hard, and for God's sake, realize that all play and no work is going to get you absolutely nowhere.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

I woke up because September ended.

I thought it was a clever October title =D

Weeeeellll my exams went really well! I didn't fail any of them, which is awesome! I think I'm starting to get a hold of all this nursing stuff.

Clinicals start in two days!! I'm so excited to go interview my patient tomorrow. It's gonna be great! Having Thursdays off is going to be a great bonus as well. No more 10 hour classes for us!

I've been really unproductive this weekend, but I think I deserve it considering I've lived in the library for the past two weeks. This week is looking to be similar, but I'm starting to get used to it.

New guy and I have been able to hang out a lot this weekend. Friday, we just looked through old photos on my computer. I cooked dinner for him yesterday (thank goodness it turned out well!) and we watched Grey's Anatomy. I had such a good time with him! I am a total believer in the saying "something good comes around when you least expect it."

I read something on Rev Run's twitter the other day. "When the past calls, push the ignore button. It has NOTHING new to say!" I had a bit of a moment the other day where I felt really homesick and wanted everything to go back to the way it used to be, but then I read that advice and realized I am so much better off. I'm moving forward with my life and I'm becoming a better person day by day. I'm still learning to love myself, but it's certainly becoming easier every day when I'm rewarded with good grades and all the amazing new friends I have made throughout this journey in NewTown.

I suppose I should finish cleaning and do some homework. Three exams next week and I haven't studied one bit!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Update!

The most stressful week of nursing school so far is halfway over, and one exam got moved to next week! Super exciting for me!! My first test this week was in Assessment, and I got an 84% on it! However, pathophysiology brought my great mood down the next day. I'm pretty sure I failed my second exam in that class. I called my mom and cried after I was done. I have never felt so hopeless while taking an exam. I talked to some of my classmates and my mentor, and they had the same complaints as I did. I can't believe I studied SO HARD and did so poorly! What am I doing wrong??

I went grocery shopping today. My kitchen was so empty that even my fridge was hungry! Since I only have one homework assignment and one exam for Friday, I can relax a little. I swear I'll sleep for a week after my Interventions exam on Friday.

DISH TIME!!

New guy and I have been talking ever since Thursday morning. He is such a sweet guy! He's so personable and easy to talk to!  Meeting him has been such an encouragement. He's been incredibly supportive through this week (which I know I've been grumpy, which is not an easy thing to deal with!).  We went to the movies over the weekend and I got to meet some of his teammates. We had a pretty good time. My nursing friends like him quite a bit, which is a biiiiig bonus! I enjoy his company quite a bit and I hope I get to know him better over the next couple of weeks.

I'm so sorry this is short for a week-long update, I just HAD to tell you what was going on!! I'm heading back to the library in a few minutes. I've been in there so much lately that someone suggested that I bring a cot and sleep there!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Time out!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you know that I didn't die or anything, I've just been super busy with school and stuff. We have four tests next week! I've been spending all of my time in the library. I probably won't be able to blog again till after next week is over. Here's an update on what's going on now!

Obviously, nursing school has gotten super hectic. I passed my bed bath and vital signs tests, which is a relief. We don't have another test like that for another few weeks, which will be a nice break. I can't believe we start clinicals in two weeks! We went to the hospital yesterday to go over computer charting. I totally fell asleep! I was pretty exhausted though. Monday was really rough, so of course I didn't sleep well that night. I paid for it on Tuesday!

I've developed some good friendships! Some of us have been hanging out outside of class and we've had a few study sessions together. Hopefully I'll be able to go to the homecoming game this weekend with them! It'll be my first football game since my freshman year of college, and it's a rivalry game. I'm kind of excited!

Even though NewTown University reminds me of a high school, I'm starting to get used to it. Camping out in the library helps to get away from all the silly jocks that hang out in the student center. I'm surprised at how much work I get done in the library. Today, I read 300 pages for nursing interventions, did two chapters of patho vocab, and started on a unit outline for my patho test next week! Tomorrow, Friday, Saturday AND Sunday will be spent in the library doing work. I really want to be prepared for all my exams next week, especially patho. Nobody did well on our first exam, I got a 75%, which is considered a D. The class average was a 60%! (That's an F in the nursing program!) I want to make sure I do everything I can to do well on this exam. I feel so studious! I'm slowly learning how NOT to procrastinate and how much easier life is when you get stuff done way before the day before you need it.

I met a really nice guy in the library today. He's a baseball player and is SUPER SUPER SUPER cute! I've completely been enamored with him since Monday when I first saw him. He totally came up to where I was sitting and introduced himself (at the suggestion of my friend =] love that girl to bits!). We talked for a little bit about our majors, where we were from, y'know, the standard first conversation topics. I hope he's a nice guy!! I completely made a fool out of myself, (have I ever mentioned that I can't flirt to save my life?) BUT he asked for my phone number! AHHHHHH!! I will definitely keep you posted on what happens!

Maybe NewTown's gonna be just fine, after all.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Homework and irritability.

Hey everyone! Sorry I've been out of commission lately, nursing school has definitely been piling on the reading and the homework! I was also out of town and away from my computer over the weekend, so I didn't have anything to blog with.

These past three days have been obnoxious! I had a (seriously stressful) test yesterday, a quiz this morning AND a paper due today. The test yesterday was really hard, plus it didn't help that our professor changed a lot of what we needed to study FIVE HOURS before the exam was to be distributed! Next week looks to be even more challenging. There are more papers, quizzes, and exams to do next week than anyone should ever have to have in their lifetime! I also had a doctor's appointment today and have discovered that I've lost 6 lbs. in a month! 119.5 lbs doesn't look good on a 5'7" frame. Might need to make some brownies tonight!

I am starting to get really irritated with anyone who complains about how much homework they have. Seriously? You've got it easy! You can go out on the weekends! You don't sit day and night studying! Seriously, sit the fuck down and be glad you don't have three tests next week. BE GRATEFUL you weren't up till 0200 writing a paper and doing your reading for the next day. BE GRATEFUL that you can afford to skip reading a chapter or two before going to class. BE GRATEFUL you can skip class and nobody notices. BE GRATEFUL for the spare time you have now, because it may not be there once you start your particular professional program. Always remember that someone has it worse than you. I swear, the only people that work harder than us nursing students are those in med school and law school and I will never, EVER say I have it worse than them.

This past weekend I went to Anytown to get my hair cut and buy some fall clothes. I spent most of Saturday early afternoon there. I went to the big city around 5 and stayed with L at her work until she got off at 10. We went to the local hookah bar until she left at 11, then I went to the other hookah bar down the street until almost 2. I ran into my ex, which was really surprising considering it was a Saturday night and everyone said he wouldn't be there if I went after 11:30. Whoops! Haha.

I stayed the night with a friend's family and spent most of Sunday reading. I met up with L again later that afternoon and we went to eat. Afterwards, we went to the hookah bar that I saw my ex at, then high tailed it over to our regular haunt after getting some pita and hummus. I really enjoyed my time with L this past weekend. She's definitely someone I hope to stay friends with while I'm stuck here in NewTown.

I'm beginning to form relationships in NewTown, something that I didn't expect to happen so quickly. I'm becoming close with some of the girls in my nursing classes. It's such a fantastic feeling! I often felt like I had transferred straight back to high school when I started school, but now I'm finding my place and don't feel so awkward anymore. Maybe this won't be so bad after all =]

I guess my wise words for this post are to remember that someone always has it worse than you, so don't complain too much. Keep friends around in times of stress, and always have advocates by your side.

"A friend is one who believes in you when you cease to believe in yourself."

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Number Eleven.

I had a fabulous (and relaxing) Labor Day weekend! I slept most of the weekend, so consequently I got ZERO homework done. That's totally ok, though, since this week is kinda slow.

I went out with B to her boyfriend's place this weekend! First time going somewhere different in a loooong time! I got to observe a power "half-hour" and eat some super delicious home-cooked ribs! I had a ton of fun just hanging out with B and all her friends.

My family and I also celebrated my dad's birthday this weekend. His birthday was last week, but I was stuck in NewTown. We went out to this seafood place and then to a custard stand for dessert. I haven't had custard in so long! It was almost too sweet. I swear I felt the sugar granules on my tongue.

Yesterday was a "me and B" day. I got my nose pierced! That's piercing #11! B and another friend (let's call her L) went along. B and I also got some groceries and I made pineapple blueberry crunch cake! B and I shared some with the security guard at her building. I think he was pretty excited about the cake. Haha! B, L and I met up at the local hookah bar for some serious girl talk and a much needed grape hookah. I think we make a great trio!

I also got not one, but TWO independent reports that my ex cheated on me before we broke up. Both people said the same thing happened, only one of the informants caught them in the act. The other was there after the fact and got the whole low-down from the girl it happened with. Anybody see some backwards logic here? (See 28 August blog if you're confused.) As fucked up as it is, I can say I'm honestly not surprised it happened.

Hanging out with B yesterday was really an adventure. We got to talk a lot about anything and everything. I'm so lucky to have her in my life! She's been my rock since around March. We share so many similar experiences and having her be a full eight months ahead of me in the journey of moving forward is SUCH a blessing. <3

I got back to NewTown this morning. I unpacked my car and subsequently collapsed on the couch for a two hour nap. I got up, unpacked the luggage and boxes, put everything away, and did some housework and homework. Afterwards, I went to pathophysiology. Now I'm sitting here blogging while I should be writing a paper that's due tomorrow afternoon.

Here's my wise words of the day: If you're going to cheat, at least be freakin' honest about it, or be smart about it. For God's sake, if someone finds out, don't think they're NOT going to tell someone! Even though I found out after the fact, I still found out. If you find out your significant other has cheated on you, remember the phrase "If he hits you once, he'll hit you twice." It applies to everything. Someone wrongs you once, there's a pretty good chance they'll wrong you again. Leave the arrogant fool and go find someone better! 

And another tip: If you're gonna drink, leave your phone somewhere that you won't send text messages you'll regret in the morning. A heartfelt message received at 0332 will NEVER be taken seriously. 

I can't believe Tuesday is already over.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Good life.

This song has been my ANTHEM today! I have had such a good day!

Today, as many of you know, is Eid al-Fitr, or the end of Ramadan. It's a big celebration amongst my group of friends. Even though I'm not Muslim, I love celebrating holidays with my Muslim friends. It sucks that I couldn't be there today to go to the masjid with them, but I could feel their joy from 300 miles away.

The only downer to today was pathophysiology. We started almost an hour late, but we got out early and our test was pushed back a week. I also am starting to make more friends out here! Got a weekend of fun and family time coming up, too. Life's looking pretty good.

I didn't think I'd be this happy here, but considering everything that's happened, I'm doing pretty damn good. Even through all of the dark times, I've realigned myself (with the help of friends, of course) and I feel like I'm on a good track.

I should probably go get on my homework. Gotta keep on top of things now that we're in the full swing of things.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

The first ten floors.

I've definitely been jamming to "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato lately, and I feel like I've built my foundation and the first ten floors of my skyscraper in the past few days. I've planned out most of my semester on a giant paper calendar, which is really overwhelming to look at at first. However, now that it's all written out, I can space things out more evenly and know how much time I'll have to read or write something before I need it. Three cheers for organization!

I read a few days ago that karma is a bitch. Yeah, karma IS a bitch! Some people are about to get their worlds turned 180 degrees. The best part is, I don't have to do a damn thing. I just get to sit back and watch the lies and deceit unravel.

So, to my dear blog readers, I leave you with this. Make sure you get your facts straight before you open your mouth, be careful about who you get photographed with (trust me, it WILL end up on Facebook!), and remember, what goes around, comes around.

This is me, and I'm just (SO) alive.

Hypnosis.

I went to a comedy show with some friends last night in Rival City. The comedian was actually a hypnotist! I have never laughed so hard in my entire life! Go check him out! http://www.chuckmilligan.com/

The last two days have been really strange. I don't think I've ever gotten more phone calls in my entire life! I've found out so much stuff, and I can't even begin to say how glad I am that I'm standing on my own two feet today. I've learned some really terrible things, and I can't even get mad over it.

I have recently been accused of cheating and being a whore. Let me make something clear: I never have and will never, EVER cheat on someone, even if I have every right to. I've been cheated on before and would never wish that kind of pain on ANYONE. I hate cheaters. I can't stand them. I will never be one of them. I never ONCE stepped out on my ex in the 14 months that we were dating, and he should know me better than that.

I ended my relationship because I was tired of everything that was going wrong with it. We were not compatible for each other and it was time for it to end. I am trying SO hard to be amicable about this whole thing, but Lord, it's really tough.

To those of you who wish me harm or have ill will toward me: I am not afraid of you. I promise you, I will not fall. I will not be broken down and I swear on a stack of Bibles that you will not see me suffer.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Chewing pencils and three inch textbooks.

This has possibly been the most stressful week of my life. I'm sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and homesick. Only 6 days and a wake up until I can go home for Labor Day weekend. Thank. God.

I'm 99.9% sure that my clinical will be on the day that I wanted (Tuesday), which is really good. This will leave my Thursdays completely open after these first five weeks are over! It'll be so nice to have a break.

I had to go back to Hometown yesterday to get those retainers. Unfortunately, the company that makes the retainers messed up the bottom one, so I'll have to go back and get the correct one later. My orthodontist said the one I have now will do (it's going to fix two of three teeth that need fixing) so it's no rush to get the new one.

After Hometown, I went to dinner with a friend I've been talking to for a couple of weeks. Afterwards, we went to the local hookah joint for awhile. I had a really good time with him and I hope I get to see him again.

I'm hoping to go to AnyTown University's rival (we'll call it Rival City) tomorrow with some old friends and a new friend that I made over the summer in NewTown. I have an itch to go to a club and I don't think I can wait till Labor Day.

I survived the first week. I am so relieved. This weekend should be pretty easygoing. I hope I can get all my reading done by Sunday!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

The beginning.

Today was soooo stressful! We had orientation today, which means papers, introductions, more papers, signatures, more introductions, and TONS of lectures on how to be successful. We finally figured out how scheduling works, so I feel better knowing when I'm free and when I won't be. We already had a take home test, which I finished about an hour ago. Good Lord.

I'm going to get my corrective retainers on Thursday! Ladies and gentlemen, do NOT live by my example and wear your retainers! If you don't, you wind up like me, needing new retainers that are going to work just like braces. Boooooo!

I don't have class on Tuesdays until 4:30 for the first five weeks. I won't know about my clinical and lab schedules until next week. I'm so glad that they're trying to ease us into this intense program. I don't think I could handle taking all of this work on at once!

My friends are being really supportive today. I'm so excited at how many phone calls, Facebook messages, and text messages I've gotten. I seriously have the best friends in the world. I couldn't do this without them.

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. ~Walter Elliott, The Spiritual Life"

I found this quote on perseverance, and I think it definitely applies to nursing school (or any school in general) because we just take it one semester at a time.

I can do this.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Green grapes and a Swiffer.

Well, I'm all done unpacking. Mom and Dad left a few hours ago and are now safely back in Hometown. I went and bought a vacuum cleaner and some candles from Wal-Mart. Now this place is starting to feel like home. I Swiffered and vacuumed the entire place (it was pretty dirty from us tracking in and out for three days straight) and I just finished a nice bowl of green grapes on my comfy couch. I also just finished reading my old blogs and am sending huge thank yous to my past self for posting some of the encouragement meant for others going through my same situation.

Nursing school orientation is tomorrow! I'm super excited, but I'm also really nervous. I hope that I make some new friends! I'd love to be able to have company over sometime. Some of my friends have already said that they plan to come to visit. It sucks being so far away, but I'm glad that my friends from the big city and Hometown want to see me!

Tomorrow, I'm going to start what may be the hardest two years of my life, but I've never been more ready than this.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

One day and a wake up.

One day and a wake up until nursing school starts. This is so surreal! NewTown hasn't been so bad now that more students are around. There's still not too much to get into, but there's a couple of towns 1-2 hours outside of NewTown that I can easily go to on the weekends.

I feel like I'm in England while the rest of my friends are in Narnia. Some of my big city friends went out and I couldn't help but tell one of the girls that I wish I could go with them. It's going to take some getting used to. I hope that everyone doesn't forget about me!

Today was soooo busy! Dad came up and brought some more furniture and household items. The 'rents and I went to Target and Sam's Club and got another shelving unit and bought basic pantry supplies in bulk. Mom and I are going to go grocery shopping tomorrow for the rest. We put together the TV stand, coffee table, another bar stool, and fixed the internet so I don't have to use a hard line. I also put together a shelving unit all by myself! I'm so happy that this is coming together so easily!

One day and a wake up. Damn.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

NewTown.

FINALLY I moved in my new apartment! Today was suuuch a long day, but Mom and I are over halfway done with the place. Only two more days until school starts. I'm totally freaking out! Mom and I went with another friend of mine to a welcome back-type dinner at the student center. I don't think I've ever felt more out of place. I have 10 piercings and feathers in my hair, and all the girls I saw didn't have feathers and only two piercings. This is going to be really awkward.

Last night was really fun! B and I went to our old hookah haunt in the big city to go have one last hurrah. Some of my ex's and my mutual friends were there. After awhile, the girl that was having the get together (she was leaving for college as well) came over and told B and me to come sit with her. I told her I wasn't really sure how things were going to be with everyone since me and "him" broke up, but then she said something that really meant a lot to me: "They're your friends, too." I've never had that reassurance before, and it felt really good to hear that.

The downsides of being an ex is that I feel like I'm being spied on all the time now. It's absolutely not fair. I feel like I can't do anything anymore without being talked about behind my back. This move just makes things worse because I'm not around to try to set things right. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I know it's stupid and most people probably don't give two shits about us breaking up, but I feel like I'm going to be coming back to nothing when I go home to visit, and that scares me.

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I should probably go to bed.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Rising like a skyscraper.

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White

I leave for nursing school in four days and a wake up. I'm super excited, but I'm totally freaking out at the same time. I'm excited because I get out of town, but I'm nervous because I just saw some of my syllabi and this semester looks pretty tough.

Boyfriend is now "him" again. We broke up last night, and I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Even though he was a consistent point this summer, I feel like we're both better off not being in a relationship with each other. I'm ready to move to NewTown and start fresh. I feel much better now that I have a group of my own friends that are supporting me!

Dad and I worked at the observatory last night. We had two ISS flyovers, two Iridium flares, and the Perseid meteor shower! Too bad we had a bright full moon. The Perseids would have been really vibrant had it not been out. Maybe next year...

This is me, and I'm just alive.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Growing Through Adversity.

I got this as an e-mail awhile back and thought I'd share it with you.

A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled
with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him
to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained
that the man was to Push against the rock with all his might...

So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sunup
to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface
of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might!

Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that
his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing
discouragement, the adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by
placing thoughts into the weary mind: (He will do it every time)!

'You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't
moved.' Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible
and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened
the man.

Satan said, 'Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving
just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough.' That's what the
weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of Prayer and to
take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

'Lord,' he said, 'I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting
all my strength to do that which You have asked. Yet, after all this
time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter.
What is wrong? Why am I failing?'

The Lord responded compassionately, 'My friend, when I asked you to serve
Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the
rock with all of your strength, which you have done.

Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it.
Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent,
thinking that you have failed..

But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and
muscled, your back shiny and brown; your hands are callused from constant
pressure, your legs have become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass
that which you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your
calling was to be Obedient and to push and to exercise your Faith and
trust in My Wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock.'

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect
to decipher what He Wants, when actually what God wants is just simple
obedience and faith in Him.

By all means, exercise the Faith that moves mountains, but know that it
is still God Who moves the Mountains.

When everything seems to go wrong...........................Just P.U.S.H.


When the job gets you down.............................Just P.U.S.H.


When people don't do as you think they should.............Just P.U.S.H.


When your money is 'gone' and the bills are due...........Just P.U.S.H.


When people just don't understand you ......................Just P.U.S.H.


P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens

Pass this on to all your loved ones and friends who may need it; they may
get it just in time. 'Though no one can go back and make a brand new
start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.'

Friends are like quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have
trouble remembering how to fly.

Just Hold ON and P.U.S.H!

Tired.

I am a whole mix of crazy emotions right now. I'm nervous, mad, sad, tired, exhausted, and excited at the same time.

The good:

I got off campus approval for the upcoming school year. I'm going to have my own apartment! I'm really excited, but it's going to mean cutting back on EVERYTHING.

I had a girls night with B last night. It was nice just to sit and watch TV and go to the new hookah joint together. I needed that.

On to the bad:

I feel like the world hates me right now. I've had some of the nastiest arguments with two of the people that I'm closest with. I'm so stressed out about school, money, and this huge move, and this is the last thing that I need.

I'm so freaking tired of being ignored. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired of being kept in the dark and finding out things the hard way. I'm pissed that nobody wants to tell me anything and that I look like the bad guy, when I'm really not. I'm sick of being told one thing one second, and the complete opposite the next. One second I'm right, next I'm wrong. One minute, I'm the best thing ever to walk the face of the earth, next I'm the most awful human ever to exist. I'm a nervous wreck and I am so lost. I feel like I'm losing everything over something so stupid.

I just want answers.

This is me, and I'm just (barely) alive.

Geez, summer's almost gone.

Damn.

I'm not ready to go back to NewTown.

I'm not ready to leave my parents.

I'm not ready to leave Boyfriend and the few friends I have left.

I'm not ready.

Fuck.

I saw B today. We talked a bit about school. She made me think that maybe staying in Anytown for another year or moving to the big city might have been a better idea. Maybe a third year of prereqs wouldn't have been so bad. I'm starting to think that making the move to NewTown was a huge mistake. Nothing is going right down there at all. My room assignment got all screwed up, I have literally one friend there, and there's jack shit to do around town. I'm freaking out.

I've been trying to distract myself with makeup and nail art. It's working pretty well. I'm getting pretty good at doing my nails (right before I sign my right to nail polish away for the rest of my life). It's satisfying, knowing I can create something (ok, recreate from my favorite YouTube gurus, but if you know me, any kind of art is Greek to me).

I need sleep. It's too hot to be human right now.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Time is going by!

Man, half of my summer semester is already done! These next four weeks look to be fairly smooth, A&P II shouldn't be THAT big of a deal.

I got more tea from the tea store. I think it's ok to say that I'm totally hooked on drinking tea. I feel sooooo much better now that I've been going through a few tumblers a day of it. I'm just so hydrated!

If you hate rants, I suggest you stop reading right here.

I was reading a blog post from Adam of Owl City. He was talking about how grateful he was for the opportunities he had been given and how blessed he was to have a God that loves him. Adam kept saying how he was nothing without God, and how awesome it was that he could spread the Lord's message through his position as an internationally acclaimed artist. I have to hand it to Adam, it was pretty ballsy to just pour his heart and soul into that blog post. I loved every word of it! It was a wonderful blog until....

Cue the Christian haters.

I've got to give it to some of Adam's non-believing fans, they really did make some righteous idiots out of themselves. One girl especially, Caitlin, just would not shut up. I mean, seriously, you say you idolize this man, yet you tell him that God doesn't exist and that everything Adam has accomplished was because he did some hard work and God did nothing? Oh hell no.

On the other hand, there were some believers out there who made some nice ass-wipes out of themselves, too. And there were some atheists who defended Adam, and there were some Christians who spoke well, too. I just wish I could thank those folks for being so cool about the heated situation.

I don't know why I got so irked over those comments that I just HAD to write a blog about it. I guess it's one of those your-two-cents-doesn't-buy-jack-shit moments. Really, word of advice to EVERYONE: keep your damn mouth shut when it comes to someone's beliefs, be it religious, moral, or political, whatever! It's not that hard to present your case on a subject without attacking the other person's standards and morals. I can stand a civil debate every now and then, but I certainly don't go looking for an argument, which is the case in Adam's blog.

If someone believes in something so fiercely that they'd die for it, don't try to change their mind, they aren't going to budge and you're going to look really stupid. As long as you're not into something illegal, go right on ahead, do your thing. Just don't try to change my mind about anything I believe in. That won't get you anywhere with anyone.

I know I'm not the world's best Christian, but I still try to live for God as much as I can, and to see Adam posting something so wonderful and moving was amazing and inspirational. I certainly don't think that it was right for his fans to go about telling him that he is wrong. Maybe it's just because I believe in what he believes. Or maybe I'm just getting old. Who knows?

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Damn.

My 20th birthday went pretty well. I got quite a bit of cool stuff for my birthday, now it's just a matter of finding a spot for it in this tiny dorm room. I had a really great time with my family and Boyfriend, however the majority of my so-called friends didn't even try to contact me to see what I was doing for my birthday, so I didn't have a party or anything.

Parents and I went and got our phone service switched, so now I'm back in the land of iPhones and 3G. It's amazing to think how we even survived without cell phones back in the day.

Reality came and bit me in the ass this week. I've been sooooo bored these past few days. I seriously think I'm going to die if I don't get out of here for a good long while. I'm supposed to go home on Thursday, which can't get here soon enough. Hopefully I get to catch up on rest and quality time with my friends and family. They're the only thing keeping me sane in this social blackhole I'm living in.

I really wonder sometimes how people can stand to be so selfish at times...

This is me, and I'm just alive.

It's been too long.

I'm emotionally exhausted. NewTown is just absolutely draining me. Mom and Dad aren't being much help either. Mom lied to me big time yesterday and now both me and her are in trouble with Dad. I'm not going home for my stupid birthday. There's no point in me just going home to get disappointed.

Boyfriend's 21st went pretty well. I think he had a good time with his friends.

I've been feeling so down lately. Sometimes I just wish I could die and be in eternal happiness instead of this hellhole I'm stuck in.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Tuesday, June 7th.

It's sooooo hot! NewTown is getting rather toasty. I've been camping out in my room for the past three days because it's too hot to do anything outside.

Boyfriend and I reconciled yesterday. We've both vowed to change our attitudes and some bad habits that we have in order to make "us" work. I get to see him on Thursday! Our one year is on Saturday

Dad and I have started a nightly Bible study together. It's kind of weird that he asked me to do this in the first place, but I guess it helps keep us close since I'm so far away. I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do for Father's Day...

A new hookah bar opened up in the big city, so I'm going to go with Boyfriend to check it out on Thursday. Apparently it's really nice and the hookah is swell. Gonna go get my Middle Eastern on!

My phone service still sucks butt. Hopefully I'll be able to switch carriers next weekend!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Another ending and a delayed beginning.

I broke up with Boyfriend today. I don't really know how to feel. I almost feel like nothing could get worse here. First, I lose all of my friends, apartment, connections, almost everything. Now I have nothing to look backward to. I don't know whether to feel liberated or upset. I'm just so confused. Too much change in a matter of days. I'm just ready to fall apart.

Two weeks until my birthday, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do.

I just want to go home.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Landlines and...nothing else.

Today was my second day of class. First day wasn't so bad, we got out super early and I got to hang out with my lab table for a bit. Today was rather boring, lots of lectures and stuff. This class is extremely fast paced, but I won't complain because we get take-home exams =]

Boyfriend is coming over for the weekend! I'm really excited to see him. It's only been a week and I'm already suffering withdrawals. I'd probably die if he didn't do his best to keep me company through the distance.

I got a landline phone today due to the lack of cell phone service around here. Sound quality absolutely sucks, but at least it's better than trying to get with someone on Skype or Facetime. I never realized how reliant I've become on 3G services until this week.

I'm trying really hard to remain optimistic here, but with the classmates that I have (either old enough to have kids, have kids, jocks, or foreign exchange) it's really hard. I don't do much after classes except sit in my room after running errands.

Seven and a half weeks, girl.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

NewTown.

I fully moved into NewTown today. I've been here for quite a few hours and I just got internet. Geez. I still don't have phone service, so I'm relying on Facebook, Twitter, and Skype to keep me connected to my family and Boyfriend. My room is pretty cozy. I have everything put away (for the most part) and the extra bed has now been made into a spare bed in case I ever have visitors that stay the night.

My next door neighbor is pretty cool. She's not a student for the summer, just working. I'm a little surprised that they let non-students stay in the dorms, but I guess it gives me someone to talk to if I'm ever desperately bored.

I found out that there's only two RAs for the whole building, so there's really no rules, which is pretty epic. Apparently there's a girl across the hall from me living with her boyfriend over the summer. Righteous.

My class starts tomorrow, and I'm totally not prepared. I have absolutely no idea how this is going to go. As of right now, I can't print anything because my printer isn't compatible with my MacBook (yet).

I feel really out of place here. I don't feel like I belong here at all. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I smoke like a train and swear like a sailor. It could have to do with the shot glass that's sitting on my desk in front of me. Who knows, maybe I'll find a group of Middle-Eastern loving hookah-smoking geeks this week.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Parents...

I saw Monet's Water Lily triptych with my parents today. It was sooo beautiful! I was extremely impressed with the hugeness of it all. What disappointed me was all this "art" in the same half of the museum. It was terrible! It was modern, grotesque, and overanalyzed. Monet does not deserve to be housed in the same building as pornographic sketches. I finally got sick of it and went to the other half of the museum, which housed Rembrandts, Michaelangelos, and some pretty cool old stuff. It was really neat!

I finally told my mom about my terrible grade in medical terminology. She absolutely flipped a handle, which I felt was really unnecessary. She has been rolling on for the past two hours about how much of a disappointment I am to her. She just went upstairs a bit ago. This blows.

I said goodbye to Boyfriend until the 10th yesterday. We went and saw the UFC fights with a friend (which weren't all that exciting. Frank Mir really disappointed me!) and went to the hookah bar in the city so I could see a friend before I left. I'm going to miss him terribly, and I know I am going to be extremely bored in NewTown.

I move to NewTown tomorrow. I'm not excited at all. I don't want to move into a dorm. I don't want to take summer classes. I don't want my mother to be nagging me for the next eight weeks about how "this is your chance to redeem yourself!" I hate feeling like I'm second rate, but I know that's all it's ever going to be. Elementary school, middle school, high school, Anytown, NewTown, it's all the same.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Time for some changes

And some serious change at that.

Finals went pretty well. I had to stay in a hotel during the week since I subleased my apartment early. It was super nice! King size bed, desk, couch, comfy office chair, and a HUGE flatscreen television! Quite distracting, but I still did well on all my finals.

I got a D in Medical Terminology, which blows. Needless to say, I'm pissed. Hopefully that's the only bad grade I have this semester =/

Last weekend was pretty legit. Boyfriend and I went to see POTC: On Stranger Tides on Friday. It was soooo good! We went to a club in the big city with his friends on Saturday night. BFF was supposed to go, but we couldn't get her twerp ex-boyfriend in, so she decided to stay home with him. *Tangent* This ASS cheated on her awhile back, and now he's just messing with her head. I don't like him and I told her that he was a dick. She left for Germany on Monday and Saturday was the last day that I was going to be able to see her, and she chose the rat bastard over me. That's some fucked up shit. *End tangent.* I have to say, I looked pretty damn hawt.

I moved into my dorm in NewTown yesterday and pretty much hated it. It's difficult to go from a nice, roomy apartment to a dorm room the size of my old bedroom. Major suckage. Hopefully I can move into an apartment after the summer. I seriously don't think I can live in a dorm for an entire year. I'll probably die if I have to. I don't get phone service in my room, so I have to get a landline. Oh, and we can't forget to mention the community showers. Fml. Eight weeks, girl, just eight weeks...

I'm home for the week, trying to empty my brain of any academic capability that would normally take a whole summer, before I leave for NewTown on Monday. Classes start next Tuesday. Yuckk.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Two more days of regular school!

And I got my apartment subleased today! I move out this Thursday, and my parents are getting me a hotel room for the rest of finals week. I'm kind of pumped to be staying in a hotel, actually. I like new scenery (plus the free breakfast isn't a bad deal, either).

I can't believe that I'm almost done with my sophomore year in college. I'm a little freaked out that time has passed so quickly; it seems just like yesterday that I was finishing my freshman spring finals and preparing for a summer filled with clubbing, pools, and hookah. This summer may be a bit different, but hopefully it will be just as fun.

I tried to call my academic advisor today at NewTown University. It went straight to voicemail, which doesn't make me feel too optimistic about moving to NewTown over the summer. Maybe it's for the best. I'll be closer to Boyfriend and all of my friends here in Anytown and also Hometown. I guess I'll go where God wants me to be.

I suppose I should procrastinating for finals. With three non-comprehensive finals, it's hard to start studying!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Two more weeks!

School will be out in two weeks (and an 0730 final on Thursday...blech)! It's looking like I may not be moving to NewTown over the summer, but that won't get finalized until next week. I'm kinda sorta hoping that I can move to Hometown so I can spend more time with Boyfriend and all my other friends before I go to nursing school.

I'm totally procrastinating on writing this *last* lab report for the LAST LAB OF THE SEMESTER WOOOOO! I'm really pumped for this semester to end. I'm ready for a freakin break!

I've been thinking a lot about religion lately and what denomination of Christianity I should adhere to. After seeing Boondock Saints 1 & 2, I've really taken a second thought at Catholicism (ironic, right?). I'm not really a huge fan of some of the beliefs of Catholicism, but I love the rosary and the way Catholics pray. I also looked at the Church of Scotland, which would be promising if it weren't for it's Calvinist views. I need to do a ton more research before I start talking to people.

Boyfriend and I are doing really well. We're anxiously awaiting our anniversary and our birthdays. Hopefully I'll be closer so I can celebrate more with our friends.

Not much else to report. Hopefully after finals week, I'll be able to blog more often.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Ooooh Lawd! Give me the strength!..

To make it through this long ass week! (Kudos to anyone who gets the reference)

Last week, I had four tests and it went by fairly quickly. This week, I have jack shit to do and it's just dragging on and on and ON.

ANYWAYS...

I'm starting to get that feeling that maybe NewTown won't be all that awesome of a move. I'm getting that familiar pit in my stomach about needing to leave Anytown, just like I did with Hometown. I just don't feel like NewTown is really what I need. Plus my counselor is being ridiculous and completely rude and unhelpful.

I wonder what life will be like in NewTown. I'm probably going to wind up living in a dorm, which isn't my favorite idea. I'm afraid of what life is going to be like without Boyfriend and BFF. For the first time in a long ass time, I'm feeling extremely vulnerable.

Enough with the gloom and doom. This past weekend, Mom and I went to an exhibit at the local train station. It was all about Princess Diana. We went to high tea before we went through the exhibit (rudest waitress possible. Who tries to take cookies from the cookie tray AFTER it's been served?!?!), saw some of the free exhibits they have there, then went through the main event.

It was FANTABULOUS!

Her wedding dress (the REAL THING!) was there in all its 25 ft. gloriousness. Some of her childhood things were there as well. If you have the chance, for God's sake, go see it.

I know I haven't blogged in forever, but trust me, you'll read enough of me this summer that you'll be sick of me.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

A Christian Wearing a Hijab?!

Hey all,

I know it's been awhile since I've posted, but I've been super busy. Lots of exams are coming up and I've been crazy busy with my never-ending social life.

I was doing some research today on Christian women covering their hair. For the longest time, I've thought about covering up, even just for a month, just to see what it felt like. I found SO many videos on YouTube of women who wear hijabs, but are 100% Christian. OMG. FINALLY I'm not alone!

For those of you that know me, I'm a born-again Christian, but many of my friends are Muslim. I've done heavy research on the religion for quite a few years (I even went to a mosque every Friday for a whole semester) just so I could learn as much as I could about it. Whenever I would go to the mosque, I had to wear a hijab, and I felt so comfortable in it, but I never could totally commit to it because of my Christianity. Now I don't really know what to do.

I don't know if I ever will cover, but at least I know I won't be the only one in my particular situation. What are your thoughts?

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Happy Hump Day!

It's Wednesday! I've had an incredibly good week so far, and I'm really pumped tomorrow because I'm leaving the iPhone clan and joining the ANDROID REVOLUTION! Needless to say, I'm pretty damn stoked.

I'm procrastinating writing a very large lab report that's due tomorrow for micro lab. I also have finance homework, but our professor gave us the answers for it in lecture today, so I'm not too terribly concerned about it.

I've been watching governments collapse in the Middle East since Lebanon, and some of the pictures coming out of those war zones are unbelievable. I'm so thankful that we don't have to go through that kind of horror and destruction in order to have change in our nation. We, as Americans, are truly blessed to live where we do, even if it's not perfect.

I'm beginning to become content with myself. I feel so at peace, it's ridiculous. I'm really happy where I'm at, and I have Boyfriend, BFF, and other friends to thank for this happiness. I'm learning not to care what others say anymore, especially if it's way beyond true. I know I'm not "dull" or "a stuck-up bitch." No, in fact, I'm not dull, and I sure as hell am not stuck-up. I'm probably one of the more interesting people you will find in Anytown, USA. I don't like stupid people, and I love the diversity among my friends because they constantly teach me new things. I don't think I'm smokin' hot, I don't flaunt my belongings, and I don't brag about what I have versus what you don't have. Does that sound dull or stuck-up at all???

I guess my main point was to say that you shouldn't care. I know you've probably heard that time and again, but it's true. Stop caring, quit stressing, and go have some fun! You've got one life, now live it, damnit!

This is me, and I'm just alive.e

Manic Monday!

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to school we go! YUCK! I had a really productive day today, and I hope this keeps up throughout the rest of the semester. Lord only knows that I need to quit procrastinating! BFF and another friend are over now just watching Hawaii 5-0. I made chocolate chip pancakes and eggs for dinner and we're gonna smoke hookah in a bit.

Spring break was a little exciting for me. Boyfriend and I got to hang out for a bit most days. We went to the car auction on Wednesday and saw Battle: Los Angeles on Thursday. (That's a pretty epic movie if you haven't seen it yet.) Friday, BFF and I went and did some recon around our old high school. We had a blast catching up with our teachers. It's really weird to see the kids that were freshmen when we were seniors all grown up. Kinda makes me feel old and outdated. Anyways, we went to the JROTC unit and saw the cadre commander and he took us to the air rifle range. I did pretty well, considering it was my first time shooting!

I also got to spend the majority of Saturday and all of Sunday with Boyfriend, which was really nice. I'm really glad that things are back to (almost) normal with us. We're going to have to work really hard over these next couple of years in order to maintain our relationship, and I'm ready for the challenge.

I was thinking about a lot of things today. After Boyfriend and I got back together, I realized just how few true friends I have in Anytown and the big city. I really can't wait to go to NewTown to start my new life as a nursing student.

I should go make that hookah now. I'm sorry that this blog has gotten somewhat drab. I'm sure I'll have more philosophical stuff one of these days.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Spring break so far...

Is not awesome. I got a TB skin test and a meningitis shot yesterday, which wasn't a whole lot of fun. I also got proper shoes for nursing school in the fall! They were expensive, but I know it will be worth it. I got to hang out with BF today, which was pretty exciting. We went to the car auction for his dad's dealership and had lunch, then I came home. Now BFF is sleeping on the couch next to me (she's pretty sick, boo!).

Norooz was pretty fun. BF actually danced for once, which made the Persian New Year all the more special =D We ate sooooo much kabob after the party was over! Monday, we woke up and did some work at the dealership, ate more Persian food, then came home. It's so nice to be able to spend time with him without all the pressures of working on school 24/7.

I don't have too much planned for the rest of this week, just getting some other work finished up and then a concert on Saturday (yay!).

I don't have anything profound to say today. I just wanted to blog XD.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

How much can change in a week?

A lot.

I got back with "him" last Sunday, and honestly I couldn't have made a better decision. I really missed him, and after four weeks it was still really hard to move on. After seeing "him" Saturday at the hookah bar, it really hit me that I still loved him and that I wasn't ready to move on.

Now along to the rest of the week...

I skipped most of my classes this week, which is bad, but not too much was going on, so I don't feel so bad. The week before spring break is always really hard for everyone because of midterms. I was lucky to only have one midterm on Wednesday.

I sent in my deposit for nursing school this week! I'm officially signed with my new university. I absolutely cannot wait to get out of Anytown, USA. I may be transferring to NewTown (that's what we'll call my new place) over the summer so I can take some classes. The people at NewTown University (my new university) have really worked with me to get around the six prerequisites I'm missing. I only have to take two classes over the summer! I'll try to take three or four; we'll see what happens. I'm planning to go look at apartments with my mom on Thursday. I AM SO EXCITED!!

This weekend, Boyfriend, his friend, and I took off to another town south of Anytown for a wedding. We had to drive and got here at about 2AM on Saturday morning! We were all exhausted. Saturday was the wedding, and now I'm sitting here blogging after a whole week of going without talking to you guys. Boyfriend's friend is still asleep and we were supposed to check out 20 minutes ago! Hellooooooo late fees!

Tonight we have another party for the Persian New Year (Norooz). I'm really excited for it! It's my first big Persian celebration. Gonna have a blast!!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

BFF weekend dish!

Happy Sunday! Sorry I didn't get to blog yesterday, things got way too busy and the internet I had sucked big time, but now I'm using the internet in the lobby so it's all good! BFF's conference is going well. We have had the best time here in the city! Enough of that for now. Let's back up to Friday night.

Friday night wasn't all that awesome. BFF and I went with some old friends to a hookah bar in Anytown. We got all fixed up and our friends basically ditched us to go to the club on the lower level of the building where the hookah bar is. BFF and I met another friend there. He brought his girlfriend (who just happens to be such a beautiful girl! Lovely blonde hair, crystal blue eyes, I'm so jealous!) Tangent over. We hung out for a bit, did the Cupid Shuffle, then BFF and I left for my place.

Enter Saturday morning, 0730. Alarm clock goes off, we rush out the door and head to the big city. Our bed in the hotel was a king size sleep number bed! I took a three hour nap, then took BFF to lunch. After her conference was over with for the day, we went to dinner and then got ready for the hookah bar.

We took some of BFF's new coworkers and met up with B. Almost immediately, the owner gets BFF and I up to dance. I haven't had that much fun in forever! I was having a total blast until "he" showed up. "He" was so mad about something and I seriously thought he was drunk. Apparently he was really pissed about my dancing with other guys. Come on, I think it's ok for me to dance after being single for four weeks! Especially when the guys don't even know me and we weren't even touching! One of them is obviously GAY! Rant over.

"He" left in a huff, I calmed down and danced the night away, got plenty of stares and winks. After totally exhausting ourselves with the amount of fun that was had, BFF and I went to one of her coworker's hotel room and chilled out for a bit. DST hit and 2 became 3 and we went back to our room. Our next door neighbors had decided it was a great time to throw a party. The walls were paper thin, so we could hear everything crystal clear. 0430 rolled around and the music and yelling FINALLY stopped. Sleep, a crappy continental breakfast, packing and lunch with mom later, and I'm sitting in the lobby waiting for BFF to be done with her conference and then we'll be headed back to the hookah joint for awhile.

I feel like this is a super long blog, but I wanted you all to know about my epic weekend! Plus, getting out of town was such a relief. I don't want to go back to Anytown at all! But after this week is spring break, so I think I'll survive =P

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Friday, May 11

It's FRIDAY! We made it!

First thing I woke up to this morning was the horrible news about Japan. I urge all of you to text "Japan" to 90999 to make a $10 donation to the Red Cross in their relief effort. Hundreds are already dead, millions have lost everything. Pray your guts out!

Today went extremely well. Classes weren't boring at all. Finance professor decided to take a trip to Panama City, so we had a really entertaining guest speaker today. My microbiology exam wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Finished in 17 minutes! This class is such a joke.The weather was SO nice today! 72 degrees, sunny, with a light breeze (cue angelic AHHHHHHH here). I couldn't help but call people up and sit on the porch and smoke. Soooooo needed!

Tonight promises to be really good. Catching up with old friends at the local hookah joint has been a plan of mine for a couple of weeks, and now it's finally coming to fruition! The BFF and I are so so so pumped!

Tomorrow we head out to the big city for BFF's work conference. Tomorrow night will be a night filled with dancing and laughter and pure awesomeness.

I don't really have any philosophical thoughts for today. I haven't been thinking about anything significant today, which is AMAZING and so relieving. All I want to do is go out with my friends tonight and relive the good ole days. I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog about tomorrow!

Be safe tonight! I want all of you reading my new post tomorrow!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Blog #2 for the day!

I had a random comment on my blog from someone named "randomguy," and I thought I'd address it. He kept reiterating that he was "just a random guy." Either 1) this person thinks they're TOTALLY not obvious at the fact that they really aren't random or 2) this person really is just a random guy that likes to point out that he's a random guy.

To answer your statement, "randomguy," I'm not totally over "him." I ended the relationship before either one of us was ready for it to be over. I am working diligently to learn to live without him and teach myself that I am ok being on my own. It sucks breaking up after dating for so long, and it hurts. A lot. I said that I was beginning to let the relationship go, not that I was completely over him and ready to say "HELLO WORLD! I AM SINGLE AND READY TO ROCK AND ROLL!" No. No no no.

I was asked on a date today, and I realized that I'm not ready to go on dates just yet, and I felt horrible for turning the guy down. I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be totally into it and that it would just be downright painful for me. In the end, it was for the best, and one day I will be able to date again. Just not right now. Too many things went so wrong that I just need time to heal.

This blog is meant for me to 1) vent and 2) share my story so that others know that it's ok to miss someone once you break it off. It's ok to cry your eyes out and grieve for a while. It's ok to be sad, but you also need to know that life does go on and you WILL move on, but only if you let yourself. My prayer is that this blog illustrates my journey through school, love, and life and that others will see themselves in me, and learn from my mistakes and can use my good decisions to help them succeed when they're in the same situation.

If you take issue with that, then too damn bad. I won't stop being honest. I won't stop sharing my story.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Thank God It's...Thursday?

Today was BEAUTIFUL outside! My lab was really short (thank heaven!) and I've been procrastinating studying for my microbiology exam tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be super duper nice and I cannot wait!!! Hellooooooo hookah on the balcony!

I was Facebook stalking "him" again today. His best friend, who just happened to step out of his life in a very flamboyant and unnecessary way MONTHS ago, had just recently told him that she's "SO glad" he's back in her life. This is coming from the same girl who posted a whole ranting status about how funny it was when someone ignores you once they get a girlfriend or boyfriend, but once they leave that significant other, they come crawling back. Might I mention that this status was posted right after "him" and her had gotten into an argument a few weeks after we had gotten together. Strange how some people work. I will never understand some people.

I've been thinking today about what I want in a relationship. Of course, there's always tall, dark, and handsome, but what about personality? Every (and I mean EVERY) guy I have ever dated has had some maturity issues. I don't want to raise a boy, I need a MAN! Come on, girls, we need MEN! We deserve MEN that genuinely care for us and not our bodies. We deserve MEN that don't push us into doing something we are uncomfortable with. We deserve MEN that can think for themselves and don't have all these stupid emotional issues that come with your average Joe. We deserve MEN, not boys! We deserve better, and I don't think enough women tell themselves that.

I can't freakin wait for this weekend! Tomorrow night and Saturday night look extremely promising for some epic times!

I may blog again later tonight...

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Yackk.

This quote was on Twitter today: "The truth is, what we call interruptions are precisely our real life, the life God is sending us day by day." C.S. Lewis.

I need the weekend to be here sooner. OMGGG! This week has been kind of difficult. Damn. I've been in an irritable mood all day. Maybe it's the cloudy grayness that's giving me cabin fever.

Today wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I woke up with a fantastic headache, so I slept through my first class. I went to my second class, tanned, then went to my third class. After that, I bought some shisha, then went home and waited for my friend to come over.

I had some very good conversations with my friend today. Let's call her "B". It was so nice to be able to relate to someone who is going through close to the exact same things I'm going through now. I sincerely hope that her and I become good friends. I keep kicking myself that I never became friends with her sooner.

I haven't heard from "him" in two days. I'm sort of concerned, but also really relieved. I honestly think I'm starting to let this relationship go, even though I wasn't ready to break it off. Talking with B helped me remember why I made the decision that I did and that I did it to keep ME safe.

However, I've been Facebook stalking him religiously and I'm seriously surprised at this girl that's totally jumped on him. Apparently she's "very wise," and they've been talking for awhile. I'm not really sure what my emotions are about this particular situation, but I'm trying to ignore it. Instead, I'm going to go to the city with my girls this weekend and go show off my dance skills at my favorite hookah bar.

I really should go do my homework. I have a big lab report due tomorrow and I haven't even started it yet. Whoops!

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Ultraviolet Reflections

Good evening, world.

I got the official rejection letter from the nursing school in my previous post. However, I have appointments with three other schools to see them over spring break! I'm actually REALLY pumped! I also made the highest grade on a medical terminology exam that I've ever made. Maybe I can pull off an A in a sophomore-in-medical-school-level class!

Some of my friends came over last night and all we did was watch stupid YouTube videos and smoke hookah. We were so slaphappy that we could not stop laughing to save our lives! I had the best time with them =]

Today was rainy and icky. I had only one class today, which thankfully went quickly. I went to the university's salon, which has tanning beds (yes, I do fake bake. But hey, it makes my skin all pretty! And I'm not an obsessive tanner; I don't want to look like a carrot). As I lay out in that wonderful warm bed, I started to think about the past couple of weeks. I've decided that I'm not really going to concern myself with where I go to school anymore. Now it's just a matter of who likes me enough to accept me. I have also come to the realization that there are people that I can trust out there, it's just a matter of me letting them in. I've also realized that there's some people in my life that just aren't who they used to be, and I don't need that.

I started planning for what would happen if I did wind up moving out of state for school. I'm surprisingly comfortable with the idea of moving to a whole other city in order to get my degree. I'm starting to like this option more and more, mainly because it would get me out of this dramatic hellhole that I'm in now. The only sucky part would be moving away from all of my friends that are very near and dear to me.

I had some very strange and scary dreams last night (I didn't really sleep well, but when do I ever sleep anymore?). I thought about those, too. I haven't the slightest clue where they came from, but I thought about those situations and realized that soon they could become very real. Sounds unnerving, right? I'm not the least bit scared. After thinking for a solid 15 minutes, the "come back to earth" beeping on the bed sounded before turning off, forcing me back into the gray world that is Anytown, USA.

On the bus ride back to my apartment, I decided that it's completely pointless for me to linger on thoughts of days and years past. For the first time in my life, I'm starting to let go. I'm letting go of everything that's happened to me in the past, both recent and long term. Painful memories are leaving me forevermore. I have never felt so liberated and whole in my life. I have finally found my silver lining.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

Why, hello there strangers!

Hello World.

You probably have no idea who I am, and I'm totally ok with that. I'm your typical college sophomore who hates school and loves her friends just a bit too much. I'm a pre-nursing student and praying to God I get into a nursing program. I'm a magnet for creepy boys and terrible situations. My best friend shares my first name and we're twins. Seriously.

I'm not really one to trust people pretty easily, but I hope that this anonymous world will help me learn that not all people are bad. I've recently gone through (yet another) terrible breakup and have decided that relationships aren't my niche. I just need to find that one guy that'll change everything.

My top choice for nursing schools rejected me today, and I'm upset about that. I'm feeling like I can't win while I'm here at this school. This town (let's call it Anytown, USA), has not been what I've expected. I'm so tired of being pressured to drink and be a whore with people I barely know. I need a change.

I've recently connected with some people that I haven't spoken to in awhile (or ever, for that matter) and am starting to fully realize that there's more to life than this stupid hicktown. I can't get out of here fast enough!

I don't really feel like writing anymore. I know it's not much, but heck, it's a start.

This is me, and I'm just alive.

PS- I just got done editing everything. This website is obnoxious to navigate.